Happy Dance

Have you ever felt like you asked so many questions about something that was important to you and that when the answers came, they made perfect sense?

And when you accepted the answers, you felt right about moving on in the answers you had accepted, even though deep in your heart there was still a battle going on trying to convince yourself of something you were not very sure about.

Have you ever told yourself you have a peace about things and on the surface, you really do, but deep within the battle to understand and accept still goes on?

And you then begin to try putting those things you learned into your life?
For a time there are ways to move all around those issues that are confusing and that do not sit right within your spirit. I have a too hard basket and I toss things in there and tell myself I will get back to them when I have grown up a bit and the time is right for me to understand. The thing is that often the things in the too hard basket are never resolved for me.

And then all of a sudden you see other things that were maybe not there, or not there visibly there at the time of the questions, or maybe they were but they were just placed in that too hard basket for a while?

Now, the answers for me don’t come so fast anymore, now the questions are harder, or is it maybe that the searching is deeper than before? I realise that it is a constant battle to understand and try to accept some things.

Whatever the reason is, whatever excuse I give myself for continuing to battle these questions, it has the ability to steal ones peace, and to take my joy away.

Did I really feel that peace, or did I just convince myself that I wanted more than anything else at the time to accept and understand, even if I did not totally understand it all? I really do not know....

All I do know for sure is that at this time I somehow allowed myself to become more confused than I ever was before the questioning started. I am trying so hard to make sense of this turmoil within me.

I have to stop this battling and I have to start listening to what God is saying to my spirit. All I desire is to be closer to my God and to worship Him with all my being, totally.

I know that I will have frustrated people and maybe disappointed some, and that upsets me. I know more than anything I am disappointed in myself.

Dear Lord forgive me, I am so tired of this turmoil inside me... Help me to see clearly the things that You want me to see. Let this battle within me cease and let me feel Your peace.

I love You Lord and I want to worship and serve You always…

Les