Happy Dance

I know this is my blog, my place where I can write down honestly as I feel…but the truth is that I have always been reluctant to really express my feelings and the struggles that are going on within me. I have a tendency to just cover up and allow the outside to show something different from what is really going on inside of me.

Maybe this is an experiment to see if I actually can be honest with myself, to be transparent at least in the privacy of my own web log.

I have been struggling spiritually, not with my faith in God, because that is stronger and growing, but I have been struggling with accepting teachings within the church I was going to. I have tried to find answers to my questions and I know that for me I have received the answers, I just can’t accept them and so this lead me to the big question… what to do about it?

Am I better to be in fellowship and struggle continually with the doctrines and teachings or am I better to be honest with myself and if necessary go it alone, just God and me?

I follow God and He alone, my desire is to be obedient to Him, to be free to hear and obey Him.

My God is the one who directs my paths,

who leads me by His Spirit,

who speaks to my heart,

who picks me up when I fall,

who listens to me,

who loves me unconditionally,

who is the potter and is molding me, the clay, into a vessel He can use to His glory.

My God is the one who sent His only Son to suffer and to die so that I may live.

So I have been resigning from all those commitments that I have had within the church I have been going to, disentangling myself from all areas that I am involved with there.

It is hard because this also involves personal friendships that have been built. It also involves a lot of hurts and others not understanding why and confusion from them.

I have to do this to be honest to myself and to be honest to others, but more than anything, I have to do this to be honest to my God and to be obedient to Him.

I should be at peace, I have made my decision and I am at peace in that… but I am also hurting a lot as well, I feel like I am floating around belonging no where now.

I hate the loneliness of not being part of a church family, of not going and worshipping together on a Sunday. Where I live I cannot see a fellowship that I can go to go at this time.

I guess for me it is a grieving, a loss of what I thought I knew was right, a recognition of what I needed to do…a time of having to let go and let God.

I do not think this post is sounding rational at all, but for once, I do not care, its how I am feeling today. I feel hurt, I feel lonely, and I feel redundant…

We can choose that which we do, and I did that, I choose that path for myself albeit I truly believed that was what God wanted, least I convinced myself He did.

What we do not get to choose is the consequences of our choices, what I am feeling now are the consequences of my choices.

Lord, help me to hear Your voice, help me to follow You and to be obedient to You alone.

In His Love

Les